R&R

Lately I have been venting about motherhood a lot. And after my little getaway I realized I was just totally utterly exhausted. Before children I could use my home as a refuge to get away from the world and your responsibites. For better or worse when you have children you can't. It can all be very entertaining and fun then with a blink of an eye pissed about all the stuff that you now have to do.

When you become a mom because important more than ever to have time to do NOTHING. I now understand why people go on cruises and do EXACTLY that nothing. If cruises had better food I would focus there. However I have realized resort spas are the way to go for me. And honestly not any kind of resort spa. I actually want to feel relaxed and rejuivanted. I have no interest to put cavier creme on me or high priced muds that I could easily go into my own backyard for. lol I need something meditative in natural world. WE ALL NEED THIS. We are absolutely too productive in this country.

With the economic crisis in Greece that has put a strain on the rest of the EU. American journalists asked the leaders, "So going to have to give up some of that crazy 6-8 week vacations. Right???" It was not even on the table for them. If anything they countered and said. "It would be foolish to even consider something like that it helped their workforce to be more content and productive. Why would we mess with that?"

EXACTLY! I feel like a fish out of water when it comes to the American culture and this idea. I honestly think this is at the bottom of our healhcare crisis. Before for religious reasons we had a day of rest on Sunday. You need that to recharge. It is now a virtue to continually work hard all the time. Work culture, our home life, our children's life to have them play every sport on creation and come home with a ton of homework.

For me that has got to stop. So my answer is going to a tranquil and serene spa where I can face myself and be at peace. But this is the kicker FACE YOURSELF its not always going to be peaceful. When we are so busy we tend to neglect our emotional and spirtual lives. And a lot of us like this because once you face yourself and be honest some of the truths are not pleasant. But getting to the other side is soooo grand. Because it never go away it just keeps adding up and I personally believe if you keep ignoring it your physical body just gives up finally and says enough is enough. You become sick and die. Sorry to be blunt, but I firmly believe this.

I empower everyone to take at least one vacation a year where you do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and have someone take care of you. Because I am now a mother I have special interest especially for the mothers. Caregivers are the unsung heros of this world and we need to take care of them better and give back to them.

Drill Baby Drill....or NOT

I just dropped Ava at Grandmama's, driving in my car listening to Pacifica radio. They have a community call-in segment around 9 am. A woman caller can on the line just fuming about the Obama's administration for the handling of the BP oil spill crisis. She just got me all riled by not in agreement with her.

What this president has had to endure in just the last two years astounds me. As a public we are never pleased, we are ugly and harsh. We do not take responsibility for our own actions. If we did, BP would not have the power they do. We would not be beholden to our cars. I think this administration is doing the best that they can in a very difficult situation. The culture of the oil industry did not start with him. Anyone around her can tell you how awful BP's safety record is. I am amazed not more stuff has happened.

It is absolutely sad that were such a terribly reactive culture instead of preventative. We do not tend to do anything unless it is a crisis. It's while the levies broke and why our healthcare is a mess. Then the greed and BP is the worst of them. It was the bottom line they were thinking of when the rig went up in the middle of the gulf. If nothing had happened then we as a culture would be fine with business as usual. I am not even sure how to even boycott BP. I know their oil is used in a lot of areas that we do not realize.

What I would love to see is a channeling of our anger into action for real reform of the oil industry and alternative fuel sources. It is sad it takes disaster for us to even think this way. And I am not even sure it will move that way instead I think we could vote out a good president and allow republicans in charge. YAhhoooo our saviors.

Blah Blah Day

Man this blogging thing is harder than I thought. I always have these conversations in my head. At that moment, it would be great to have a computer in front of me. However these conversations are usually in the bath tub (which I just got out of to blog right now), driving in the car, working, etc. Not real convenient time to blog. At the end of the night would be that best time, but dang I usually can not put two sentences together. But you do what you can do.

Lately it just seems like all the fun out of life is missing. Luckily with emotions they pass and I know I will be on to something else more joyful. It just seems everyone around me is just so overstressed with their lives and I feel the same. Really questioning the grind of motherhood (oh gasp absolutely forbidden) and realizing this is why I kept putting it off. lol Luckily I have a great support system and I am going to take off for a few days to decompress and just think about myself up in Austin. I have not completely weaned Ava so this will be interesting. I want to miss being a mother and not see it as such a chore. I am not sure my getaway will do that, but I am ready to try anything. I just do not seem to bounce back from stressful stuff like I once did. I am also taking supplements again for my adrenalines and muscle pains. I hope it will help me to sleep. I am looking forward to my little trip. I remember when I was single and could not wait to be with someone and maybe start a family someday. Its funny how you do not appreciate where you are at and always want something else. Case in point right now! lol

Today I am home with cold I got from Craig and Ava has shown some signs, but bounces back well. I watched two documentaries "Every Little Step" which was about auditions for the revival of A Chorus Line in 2006. I love musicals. I learned some new facts about the revival and the original production. I have never seen the musical only the movie which I hear was just terrible compared to the musical production. I do love a lot of the musical numbers though.

The other documentary was No Impact Man. A lot of my friends would probably see this and think that is totally Amy (but that person would be the husband). The wife had to be reluctantly dragged to do this, but in the end glad she did. It is basically trying to have no impact on your environment: no electricity, no transportation, all food local, no meat (because I guess it was hard to get it locally and they do take a lot of energy to produce), and what got a lot of publicity was no toilet paper. The family reminded me so much of my family expect I was more like the husband (which I mentioned above, butm not sure I could of gone to the extremes he did, but I could surprise myself), Craig would be more like the wife (although she was a lot more willing to go with things than I think Craig would) . In the documentary their daughter looked so much like Ava and was around the same age it was spooky. I highly recommend it.

Coming Back to Reality

Ok this blogging thing is a lot harder than I thought! I had so many discussions in my head and thought I would be really motivated with getting them down on (virtual) paper.
Has not happened.

First of all I had a insane spring. I was manning our essential oil business by the most part myself for most of April with a toddler to look after. Luckily my dear friend Andi helped with caring for Ava at times and helping in the business. I was taking care of my mother. Then Ava's birthday, Craig's birthday, and then the cherry on top I did my first triatholon on Mother's Day. Then in the evenings I was addicted to watching Farscape (when we had cable I watched an episode or two thought it was stupid now with netflix instant stream I could watch the whole thing) and not blogging. lol

So hopefully I will be blogging at least more than once a month or two. Ava is up from her nap asking for me.

Caregiving...you can leave it (at least for today)

A caregiver is a title I have never been comfortable with, but since becoming a mother it seems it defines me a lot more lately. Its one of the reasons why I have not blogged in weeks. I am just exhausted by the end of the day I have no energy to think let alone write about anything.

Right now I am having to take care of our family business by myself, take care of my daughter, take care of my mother (she tends to be sick this time of year a long story), take care of all the normal household duties, get ready for a class I am teaching next week and this weekend I had a sick husband. When Ava (my daughter) ever gets sick, Craig is soon to follow. So I thought I would get a break this weekend fat chance. It is so easy at these times to think of life as drudgery.

It seems "woman's work" is constantly challenged this way. "Men's work" tend to have a beginning middle and end. Caregiver tasks tend to be monotonous and repetitive. Luckily a lot of these roles are beginning to be reexamined and redefined. Some men are finding they are better well suited to be stay at home dads and moms may find they like working and being the main breadwinner. It could be a bit of both for each. It is actually an exciting time to reevaluate these roles or duties.

I would not call myself a natural caregiver. When I was a teenager I actually had friends that thought I would never have a family or relationship because I was too self-centered. Luckily I never saw myself that way. I just tend to be a bit more masculine in a lot of my outlook. Or at least what we call masculine traits. I tend to be unapologetic in my actions, tend to say what I mean directly and honestly from my perspective, have no problem stating my needs and getting them fulfilled. I do not tend to be overly emotional to the point I once thought crying was a weakness. Luckily the gift that came out of my first step-father's passing was the ability to cry openly and honestly. So I feel I have balanced my emotions better. I have also become a better caregiver. However I do not tend to fall into the trap of loosing myself in those I care for. I still have my own needs and fulfill them. I do not think children or a husband have the right to always come first and I come last. They share my life with me. If I do not take care of myself, they will nor get taken care of.

Today I was just hopping mad about my duties of being a mother and caregiver. No one was taking care of me. Luckily I was able to vent to my mother (duh) and it helped. I can not stand how little it is respected. It seems to be caregivers also do not tend to respect themselves for doing it either. We all lip service it, but it is still a long way to go to actually being honored. Caregivers tend to give without question and not speak up when it goes out of balance. We do not tend to ask for help we actually do not even get that we can ask. I say screw that. Rage...yes rage against this. Let's be heard.

The Blind Side of The Help

Just a train of thought I have been on. I just finished the Help for my book club. I have also been really interested in seeing the Blind Side. Both focused and/or written by white people about black experience. At first I did not think of the Blind Side this way, until I was watching the View last week. Vanessa Williams was on and talking about how some people in African American culture view the movie the Blind Side as yet another depiction of good-hearted white people coming in and helping the black race. Basically implying if enough white people just adopted another kid or helped the African American culture everything would be solved. It never dawned on me to think of this way. The panel around her (Whoopi and Sheri were out) was completely white and absolutely defensive. It did get my thinking. How many times do we see a good-hearted African American couple adopting a white kid. I can not think of one. Now there can be an argument for this that there are a lot more disadvantaged black and Hispanic kids out there. Maybe...

After reading the Help I realized it was completely written by a white woman with a lot of the book's focus on the experiences of African American nannies and housekeepers in the 60's. I felt like she did a fine job, but did she? I wonder what the black community thinks of the book? I think this has become a best seller more on the merits of white people buying it rather than anyone in the African American culture. I am a white person and can only imagine what a black person experiences, but I certainly do not know.

Are both of these examples just another shade of racism? It is intriguing to ponder and have no idea what the answer is.

May write more on my thoughts about this later. Just wanted to put this out there.

Kevin Smith is Gracious

Craig, my husband, has been a huge...huge fan of Kevin Smith since '94. I thought he was always great with dialogue and spoke to our generation. We are just a few years younger than he is. I liked Clerks and I think I saw Mallrats. I really liked Chasing Amy. That was as far as it went with me until I met Craig. He would post on the View Askew board, watched something of his on a weekly basis over and over again. He even went to a chic flick, Jersey Girl. My husband liked it (that never happens with most chic flicks) and it is apart of our movie collection. I started to appreciate Kevin Smith more and more. Then he started to do "Evening With Kevin Smith". These were the funniest Q and A's I had ever seen. He was brutally funny about his experiences navigating through Hollywood, his relationships with his family and friends past and present. He has done three on DVD so far. I highly recommend them.

So for the last couple of years I have wanted to get tickets to one of his talks. Never could seem to make it work with Kevin Smith's schedule and our own. He NEVER seems to come down to Houston. Then last Fall Craig just says,"He is coming to Houston." I knew exactly who he was talking about. The event was last night.

It was very similar to what is on the DVDs. However it always looked intimidating to go up and ask a question. It seemed you had to be in the zone with his humor to get the recognition you wanted. In person that was so far from the truth. The man was absolutely gracious. If you asked him a half way decent question he zoomed he on you. You were the only person in the room. The place was packed and it was a real gift. I felt for the most part the audience was respectful of him and when a questioner was not the audience responded.


Over the years I have watched comedy acts on stage or been in Los Angeles or New York and saw stars. Their can be a real haughty attitude to them or just leave me alone mentality. Which is totally understandable when everyone is at you. But you become totally out of touch with your humaneness. In the 15 years since he was been famous, he has not lost touch with himself as a person and it showed throughout the night. He showed vulnerability talking about the Southwest fiasco (my husband and I are boycotting them from now on until they refine the policy) to just outright bawdiness about sex, homosexuality, and even beautiful moments of the birth of his daughter. Here is my tangent on this: My only complaint is I had a semi-orgasmic birth YES I said orgasmic. And he talked about how much pain his wife was in before the epidural. It does not have to be that way we have created a lot of the pain by forcing women on to monitors, not being able to move around, or eating. Just watch Business of Being Born or Orgasmic Birth to see a different point of view. I almost screamed a view times about this at the event last night. But I was respectful.


His presence felt so real like you were just hanging out as friends. It has got to take it out of you to be so present for everyone and he went on at around 8:30 until nearly midnight. Graciousness is a talent that we do not always flex and he certainly does not have to with being famous in our culture. That means a lot to his fans. It was truly wonderful evening. Kevin Smith does have great fans here in Houston and I hope he felt that will come again.

Ready....Set....

Ok my plan was to write in this every other day. I think it was fairly ambitious, and I have already failed. lol Luckily, I bet just a few people are even hanging on my every word. So not a big loss that I did not follow through with my goal what can I say the Olympics happened.

I have gotten pretty involved with watching it. I am taking a break as we speak from women's figure skating. I am surprised I am watching it as much as I am. I have not been into Olympics this much since I was kid. So after watching the Olympics the majority of my free time, working during the day, and chasing after Ava I am just plain exhausted.

I did watch an interesting piece on the Sunday Morning Show on CBS(never was able to watch this before Ava was born). About the man behind Geitner who is handling all the stuff from wall street after the bailout. His name is Feinberg and I was really fascinated by him. He is supposed to be a master mediator. He has taken on some heavy hitting issues. Like the Vietnam vets suing companies who made Agent Orange and successful mediating a settlement that both agreed on when it was in the courts stalled for over 8 years. He was then asked to help with dividing the relief money to the 9/11 victims. He said the latter helped him become human again. He was too much a lawyer and was dealing with emotional issues too mentally.

He sounds like he has a great head on his shoulders and balance with his heart. He is behind tapping CEOs of Wall Street salaries and trying to change the way they have been doing business. You did not hear about him the main media. This piece on him gave me hope that someone actually does care in government.

So hope to post a bit more often after the Olympics.

Shocked

I have been a little hesitant to blog about this, but I want people realize there is no shame in mental illness.

In a very upbeat tone, "I got electrocuted today and I feel great!," said my sister. This is my first conversation with her, a few days ago, since going through a pretty involved round of of electroshock therapies that will last three weeks. I WAS ABSOLUTELY speechless. I have never known someone to have this let alone someone dear to my heart. My only experience is maybe One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest or Frances about how it was done a long time ago.

My mother and I did not want her to do this. We were very upset about the prospect, but she had left her life in the hands of my father and the California state. We found out the day before it happened. So it gave us no chance to really be there to support her or possibly find some alternatives. My father feels this was her only hope to be stable and the best she will have is possibly doing some kind of "assembly work" as he put it. My sister is a brilliant woman and part of the reason why she is sick. She is probably a little to real for this world and has a hard time coping with it. Her flair for understanding trends in pop culture before they even happened and her writings were incredible, but that was before the drugs and now the shock therapy.

My sister is bi-polar. I would bet I would also be labeled that if I had not taken back my life in my mid-20s. It was a nasty little secret that ran through my father's side of the family. It was never named, but the bizarre stories certainly point it out. I personally had my first episode when I was 11 entering middle school. It was the first time I was acutely aware of the how mean and cruel the world can be and it all centered around my locker. I just could not figure out how that darn thing opened. Anyone that helped me yelled at me or told me was stupid. This was something I was not accustomed to. I went through six weeks of this dark bit of hell I had never experienced before. Luckily a kind gym teacher told me we were going to get this and stayed with me until I figured it out.

Over the years I struggled with depression. I did some stupid things including not wanting to live. I could not get through college and failed at relationships. My life looked hopeless. I felt like I was worthless and would never be able to support myself. Then my aunt fell down a flight of stairs and since there was nothing going on in my life. I flew down to help her. It was the catalyst I needed. I was not focused on my pain, but helping someone else through theirs. I found my inner strength.

My sister's depressions did not start until she was in high school. Now everyone thinks my sister's mental illness is far worse than what I want through. Who knows. What I do know is deep down I always loved myself and genuinely had a positive outlook on live. So it was hard to stay in the "pit" as I called it. So I roller coasted a lot. My sister has given up hope that she can ever help herself out of this. I struggle with my relationship with her because of this. To her it is everyone else's fault. She would rather have drugs and now shock therapy to cope. I am still finding my peace about all of this and I do hope it works for her and she will find that light at the end of the tunnel.

I do appreciate my mother's knowledge of the system. She fought to keep us out of it as teenagers. I have no idea where I would be if that had not happened.

I use alternative means with essential oils, homoeopathics, and diet to help cope. I now see depression as a gift. When I look back at what triggered the depressions it was my brick wall to show me I was on the wrong path. When I corrected the path my life was even better before the depression hit. I emotionally grew stronger and realized I will never be "mainstream". I will just be me.

Digital Nation

So I watched Front Line on PBS tonight. The theme was living in a digital world and what it has or has not done to us. It was really fascinating. Personally I have had a love hate relationship with all of it. I was 25 before I got a cell phone. I still just talk with it. No smart phone or i-phone for me. I think those are the same things. lol I have always loved my computer for information and my social connections. E-mail is my perfered mode of communication. However I have not gotten on board with Twitter. I really do not get it. And I am somewhat into Facebook, but have a problem with the superciality of it. Now the term Facebook Friend seems to be even further removed from how close you are to someone that is an acquaitance type friendship. We only have one TV in the house, but two computers and when my daughter is older will she have her own too? Or will it be a lastest kind of smart phone. I am really torn how this will all affect her. The personal computer when I was young was brand new concept. I still remain duey decimal system in the library. I do still read real books and have not jumped at Kindle.

In the documentary they made some interesting comparsions to this age to any other new "progress" in through out history. For example moving from oral traditions to the written word. Our memory got worse. We no longer had to memorize long poems anymore. So I think with any new technology there are pros and cons to it.

I am typically not that quick to jump on to the lastest technology bandwagon. I have yet to do Ti-VO because I am afraid I will like it too much. I have only been using Netflix since my daughter was born because I love movies and I found it hard to leave the house. I am addicted to that. Blogging is obviously something I just started. But I have been on a social networking site Meet-up.com for the last 4 or so years and I have watched it grown exponentially. I love the goal of it. To use the technology to connect us in the real world.

I do love that the documentary exposed research that says we are not as good with multi-tasking as we think we are. Case in point texting in the car until people see how poorly they are doing, they think they are doing it well. And people are dying because of it.

I also found it interesting how we focus now. We tend to only write in paragraphs. One paragraph really not relating to another. I a even finding that hard with this blog right now. Although it is all talking about digital themes I need to figure out if they are connecting.

I will be interested how I can help my daughter navigate through all of this and pray she does not start to do World of War Craft with her Daddy.

Why Blog

I never thought I would be a blogger. It was not until I became a mother and enjoyed reading all my creative friend's blogs that I even followed blogs. If I wanted to talk about being a mother or my daughter I would of started right after Ava was born. She now close to 2.

I think the true reason well ok there are several. is the complete dissolvement of my relationship with my best friend a year ago this month (February) and last Fall I transitioned from a mom's group which had a very active message board to one that is not as active. So it felt like a mini blog. The mom's group I am in now fits better with my philosophy with parenting and they have best events.

It still took me several months to get the courage and need ( I have to express myself) to write one. Why courage? Well I tend to be more interested in social and controversial issues than the pleasant weather, how the kiddos are growing, etc. Although I am sure I will comment on these from time to time. I tend to be polarizing not that, that is my goal. I am more than willing to hear people's views. I have just noticed we tend to want to defend our point of view and not really listen to each other. I also fall victim to this as well. I was not sure I could handle personal comments my way. So we will see...

Why need well there is something cathartic about expressing yourself and it can become a mini therapy session for yourself to work through stuff. I have had a lot come down on my family this last month or so. I may share this in future posts. Also this lets my friends know my thoughts and feelings about stuff when we do not have the time to connect. I know I enjoy reading them from others.

Wow I just noticed you can allow comments for individual posts that's really cool! So depending how thick my skin is that day I will see if I will allow them or not.